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March 13, 2012

The Palpatine Letters: Part Three

This is the third part of The Palpatine Letters, a three part series where I write letters from Star Wars' Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine to his cohorts detailing his plans for conquest. See Part One here and Part Two here.

Dear Tarkin,

How's the Death Star coming? Last I heard, you were pretty far along, I hope it doesn't take us another twenty years to get the thing working. Anyway, I think we're getting ready to finish this war up (finally, right?), and I wanted to bounce some ideas off you. I know I'm currently the most powerful guy in the galaxy, but I'd really like a little more power and a cooler title. Here's how it's gonna work.

I'm going to let the separatists kidnap me right off Coruscant. I know, it's dangerous, but hear me out. They're going to send some Jedis to save me, and one of them is going to kill Count Dooku for me. And just trust me, everyone is going to do exactly what I hope they're going to do, so don't worry. Killing Count Dooku is an awesome idea for three reasons. One, screw that guy, I never liked him anyway. I know the Sith made this rule how there can only be two of us so that we won't be constantly betraying each other, but whatever. Two, I think it'll bring Anakin Skywalker closer to the dark side. Hopefully they'll send him to save me, and he'll kill Dooku just cause I ask him to. And I really, really want him on the dark side. More on that later. Finally, three, we've got to wrap this war up, and even though Dooku's the leader of the separatists and could end the war whenever I told him to, I'd rather have Obi-Wan go on this mission to kill a guy with like six arms to end the war. It's a pretty cool gimmick. Even better than Darth Maul's double lightsaber thing, I think.

So that's when I'm going to execute Order 66, where all the clones kill all the Jedis. I guess this would have worked just as well as if I made a robot army. Better, probably. But I wanted this to be called The Clone Wars, so that's what I did.

So a lot of what I've been scheming about all these years is to get Anakin to turn to the dark side. I just really want to do it. I noticed he had this weird thing going on with his mother, even though he left her to rot at a moment's notice and didn't talk to her for the next ten years. So I set him up with Senator Amidala, so that she could get pregnant, possibly die in pregnancy, and I could tell Anakin that he could save her if he turned to the dark side. Wasn't sure if they'd hit it off, cause Anakin's kind of a whiny little dickhead, but lucky me, they did, woo!

Anyway, getting him to turn to the dark side is important because I need him to do two things. One, kill baby Jedis. Two, go kill Nute Gunray and all those Trade Federation guys. They're pretty much powerless now and can't do anything to me, but that's the plan. Yes, I know I have an entire army that I preprogrammed to follow any order I gave them to the letter, but I just really want Annie to be on the dark side, and that'll be his final step. I've got a cool name picked out and an even cooler outfit for him to wear.

I'm not sure if he'll keep doing what I want him to do after Amidala's dead, because the only reason he turned to the dark side was to save her, but hopefully he'll spend the next twenty years performing administrative tasks and hanging out with you on the Death Star.

Looking forward to this whole war thing being done with,
Emperor Palpatine

PS: If my plans seem convoluted and improbable, keep in mind that I have the force and can see into the future and make people do whatever I want, so suck it.

Posted by Will at March 13, 2012 11:11 AM