« The Palpatine Letters: Part One | Main | The Palpatine Letters: Part Three »

March 12, 2012

The Palpatine Letters: Part Two

This is the second part of The Palpatine Letters, a three part series where I write letters from Star Wars' Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine to his cohorts detailing his plans for conquest. See Part One here.

Dear Jango Fett,

How's my clone army doing? I hope you are well and enjoying your stay on that water planet, I forget what it's called. Probably because I erased it from the library here, but more on that later.

Anyway, I've got an important job for you. I need you to kill Senator Amidala. I know what you're going to say, you're a bounty hunter, not an assassin, but hear me out. (And by the way, I don't know why everybody calls you a bounty hunter, all I've ever seen you do is sit around getting cloned and hang out with your annoying, doughy little kid.) I just want you to hire somebody to do the assassination for you. Preferably a shape shifter.

Right now, Amidala is being watched by these two really tough Jedis, so the assassin'll probably fail and the Jedis are going to chase after her. Now at some point, when she's trying to get away, she's going to want to use her shape shifting powers. TELL HER NOT TO DO THIS. Even if it would make it really easy to escape in a crowded bar, tell her to stay looking exactly the same as when the Jedis saw her before.

Now, here's where you come in. Before she can tell them who sent her, I want you to shoot her with this special poison dart that they only make on your water planet. It's pretty impractical to make poison darts in this day and age when we have lasers and robots with lasers, but I guess that's why they're the only ones who make it.

So then, and this is the great part, the Jedis are going to try and figure out where this dart came from, but they can't, because I erased the planet from the library! But just so it's not too hard for them, there are a bunch of janitors and dishwashers who know about the place, so the Jedis will be able to ask them if they get too stuck.

So they'll send a guy to your planet to check it out, and be nice to him at first, then leave, let him follow you, and then shoot at him. Don't hit him though, try using those bombs you have that inexplicably have a delayed explosion noise. Then, when you meet up with Count Dooku (he's the guy who convinced half the galaxy to secede from the Republic for no discernible reason), capture the guy, and all the Jedis will bring the whole clone army they just found out about to save him, and basically start a civil war. I know the Jedis talk about being peace loving, but I think they should have no problem fighting a violent war about politics that they don't really care about. It's just robots and clones, right? I'm also pretty sure that they'll never try and figure out who paid somebody like a bajillion credits to make a clone army on a secret hidden planet.

Oh, and I'm going to get Dooku (he's in on this too) to tell one of the Jedis that there's a powerful Sith pulling the strings in the Republic. I don't think they're going to do anything with the information, I just think it'll be fun to mess with them.

So just to review, I want you to try to kill Amidala, but don't actually do it, cause she's really important in my plan to bring this really cool guy I know to the dark side, then make a really circuitous mystery for the Jedis to find the clone army that I want them to find, and then start a war, and then I think we'll be good.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts,
Chancellor Palpatine

PS: Remember when I did that thing with Amidala where I made her say what everybody already wanted to do anyway? Well, I'm going to do it again to officially start the war. But with Jar Jar! Can you believe it? Jar Jar! Screw you, universe!

See Part Three here.

Posted by Will at March 12, 2012 10:04 PM