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March 10, 2012

The Palpatine Letters: Part One

As you may know, I hate the Star Wars prequels. So here is the first part of a three part series, The Palpatine Letters, where Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine writes to his cohorts detailing his plans for conquest. Probably a decade too late for anyone to care, but here it is anyway:

Dear Count Dooku,

Hi, you probably don't know me. I'm the senator from Naboo. It's a little out of the way, but we like it. Anyway, I've got this great plan to take over the whole universe, and I wanted to see if you were interested.

First, I'm going to get these guys called the Trade Federation to make a blockade around Naboo about some trade disputes. Don't worry about that stuff, it's super boring. They're going to invade and try to force Amidala, the Queen, to sign a treaty. (She's an elected Queen too, they elected a fourteen year old girl to rule the entire planet. Weird, right?)

I'm not really sure if I want her to sign the treaty or not, so I'm just going to let it play out and see what happens. My real hope is that some Jedis try and save her and end up finding this little slave kid called Anakin Skywalker on Tatooine. I know, that sounds crazy, but my master, Darth Plagueis actually created him out of midichlorians and he's going to be come the most powerful Sith ever. Did I just write that? Sorry, I just meant to imply it. Did I mention I was a Sith? I am. You should check it out.

So we finally get Amidala back to the Senate, and she's so mad that the Senate won't do anything about her situation, she calls for a vote of no confidence in the Chancellor. So this will probably get put to a majority vote, so if we win, it's clear that most of the Senate already wanted the Chancellor out, so you might wonder why I'm staging this huge invasion just get a teenage girl to say what everybody already wants to happen, but get this: I'm gonna get a sympathy vote. People are going to feel so bad that my planet got invaded, that they're going to vote me in as the new Chancellor. I mean, hopefully. Maybe Bail Antilles'll get it, maybe that guy from Malastare, but I'm pretty sure people are gonna vote with their hearts on this one.

On the off chance that Amidala somehow fights back the invasion and defeats the droid army, I think we'll still be good. Everybody likes a winner, right? So what do you think? I'll get into what I need you from later, but I just wanted to see if you'd be interested in joining me in this endeavor.

Thanks for your time,
Senator Palpatine

PS: Just so we can get this out of the way now, if you ever capture any Jedis, I'd prefer that you tie them up and make them fight monsters like some kind of retarded Bond villain instead of actually killing them. Thanks.

See Part Two here and Part Three here.

Posted by Will at March 10, 2012 11:29 PM

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