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October 29, 2006

FedEx is passive-aggressive.

I ordered a cell phone from overseas, and it was delivered by FedEx. A few weeks later, I got a nine page document slipped under my door. I've posted the full document here with a few things blacked out, half to protect the identity of the sender (for no real reason) and half because it's fun blacking stuff out, but the main point of it is on page two:

They went to the trouble of coming to my house again to tell me over the course of nine pages that despite the fact that I technically owed them 88 cents, they were going to do me a solid and forget about it. Thanks FedEx.

Posted by Will at 8:09 PM | Comments (1)

October 27, 2006


I realized the other day that pretty much since I started regularly using email, some time in late 1995, I've been writing "Will" at the bottom of each message that I send. If I were smart, I'd have put it into a signature, and just have the computer insert it into the bottom for me. How much time would I have saved? Judging my sent box, (which only goes back two years and probably doesn't contain every email I've sent in that time period and is inaccurate for any number of other reasons) I've sent 16,000 emails in the last eleven years. Let's say it takes me half a second to type "Will" every time. That's over two hours I'd have back! Not to mention the five minutes I've spent typing this post. And yet, I'll probably never make the change. Why? Stuck in my ways? Not worth the trouble? I think I just like typing my own name.

Posted by Will at 9:16 PM | Comments ()

October 19, 2006

Think before you click submit.

I recently changed the contact forms for the League and the Club. They used to say "Your address:" where you're supposed to put your email address. Enough people put in their street address so that I finally decided to make it clear that it was their email address I was looking for. That didn't stop this guy:

From: 89 Dundee Drive
do you have money

Apparently the guy found the League from a New Zealand msn search for 'bat man' and, well, you know the rest. Now, I don't want to take potshots at msn or its user base, but when I track down how the especially stupid people get here, it's usually through msn.

On a less mean-spirited note, congratulations to the Hazzards for being awarded The Village Voice's Best Ukulele-playing Fag Hags, 2006!

Posted by Will at 12:12 AM | Comments (3)

October 15, 2006

The Adventures of Racist Segway Cop

Below are my poorly taken cell phone pictures of Racist Segway Cop in Penn Station.

I've only seen someone on a Segway once in real life before, so when I saw the cop coming, I stifled a chuckle. People look really stupid on Segways. Especially cops. I was worried that he noticed me laughing at him, but his attention soon turned elsewhere as he wondered aloud, "Hey, what's that amigo doing?" There was a guy sitting down on the floor, I assume he was Hispanic. "What are you doing, amigo?" he asked. I had a train to catch so I didn't see how it turned out. The end.

Posted by Will at 11:21 PM | Comments (3)

October 10, 2006

Comment Roundup

My friend Dan once told me, "Will, your blog is my favorite blog that's not about anything." He then reconsidered and said, "No, you know what, it is about something. It's about itself." That was at a time where I basically just posted about having a blog, listed weird search terms that got people here, and made fun of people who made stupid comments. So I've been letting random stupid comments slide for a while, but no more. I give you Comment Roundup.

The most popular post I've ever made was one sentence about Ashlee Simpson's latest album, I am me. There are a lot of great ones there, so I urge you to check them all out, but this is my favorite, because I think the person who wrote it actually thinks that this is Ashlee's blog:

my comment is that your new album especialy track one and four and twelve are special. i really do like you
Posted by: reem at January 19, 2006 10:14 AM

Here's a comment that I got from someone who calls himself John when I wrote that Slate article about video game movies. I'll do a running commentary, his comment in italics, my own comments not.

No, no, no!

"Alone in the Dark" was a PC-game released in the early 90's. In fact, it was immensly huge at the time it came out. So when the article writer managed to proclaim this:

"What system did Alone in the Dark come out on, Atari Jaguar?"

.. he lost all the stock he had built up with me through an otherwise very amusing article.

Wow. I lost all the stock I had built up with some anonymous guy on the internet. What have I done. A lot of people were mad that I wasn't familiar with Alone in the Dark, and took it upon themselves to answer my (rhetorical) question of what system it came out on. And let me say, that if I had cared what system it was for (which, keep in mind, I didn't and still don't), I probably could have spent five seconds typing "alone in the dark" into a search engine and finding out for myself. He continues:

PPS! Having watched all movies based on videogames is nothing to brag about.

Neither is your expertise on the Alone in the Dark series.

Try having watched all movies based on comics too!


This next one is probably the first informative comment from a stranger this site has ever seen. It was on the subject of a Bazooka Joe comic that didn't make any sense and whether the people who make Bazooka Joe comics care about anything at all.:

Actually, that comic is reproduced (and poorly cropped) from an earlier Bazooka Joe comic. In the original, Mort is indeed sitting behind the lady.
Posted by: Bazooka Bob at July 1, 2006 05:18 PM

Well, case closed then. The people who make Bazooka Joe comics do care about something, the people who reproduce them don't. You can check out his site, Bubble Gum Comics for more information.

This next one is weird. Remember the stuff about the grammar of the Trimspa ad? Well, here's a comment that showed up about five months after I first posted it:

Trimspa and Anna. What a perfect pair! Neither one is anything special, but with enough hype they both make plenty of money from the fat, lazy and bored. Be envied by whom?

Posted by: Paul at April 30, 2005 05:46 PM

Now, normally that post wouldn't be notable enough to make it to comment roundup, but then, over a year later:

Trimspa, or "Suckerspa", exists to make money for Alex Goen and family. Diet and exercise are the best ways to lose fat. Save your money and do what works!

Posted by: Last Voice of Reason at May 31, 2006 02:21 AM

That's the same guy, despite the clever new name. (He used the same email address.) Yes, a year went by, and he felt he had to find diogenes club again and share more wisdom about the ills of Trimspa. I googled the front half of his email address, nederpaul, and it lead me to a page where he brags about spells he can cast to win the lottery. I've copied the page here, because it'll probably disappear. I wonder if that's why he doesn't need Trimspa, he just magics all his fat away.

Speaking of magic, here's a comment from a post about everybody's favorite magician, the Pope! It's a long comment, you can read it for yourself, but here are some highlights:

I can no longer stand and see such disgusting comments. my dear Joe the post you posted on October 24, 2005 07:09 PM was very immature of you.... If you read trough history you will realise that it is th Catholic church that is the real church the rest I am sorry to tell you are indeed a fake... When a Martin Luther realised he should make his own church because he disagreed with the catholic priests doing this. He had no power from Christ to be a priest. because he was not given the power by the previous bishops! and Cardinals!!

It's funny, I always kind of assume that Christians have pretty much gotten stuff sorted out internally and have been able to focus all their damnation and stuff on other religions, so congratulations to 'Rev.Fr.James Marco' as he calls himself, for really bringing it back to the dark ages. He actually googled 'stupid pope' just so he could write all that.

So, we're getting near the end of the roundup, although there are some more good ones you can check out for yourself on that pope one and the Margaret Cho one, thanks to the fact that that post is number one in google's rankings for 'margaret cho sucks.'

The thing that ties most of these comments together is that they really don't even seem to grasp the basic gist of the original post, but this last one takes the cake, from my summary of an Insane Clown Posse message board argument:

Of Course There R True Los N Lettes Out Their....i Mean Their Is Tons Of Juggahos But The True Juggalos R Easy 2 Spot They Have Love 4 The Fam No Matter Wut N They Kno Their Psychopathic Shit Mmfcl Ninjas
Posted by: majick_ninjette at March 13, 2006 11:27 PM

Ninjette's right. There is tons of Juggahos.

Posted by Will at 3:01 PM | Comments (1)

October 4, 2006

It's still too sprawled out and disconnected -- The second half of my trip to LA

So the screening. It went well. Kevin Smith really packs em in. And he can somehow own a crowd without seeming like he cares about the thing at all, with his casual geek hipster panache. He drew a nerdy enough crowd so that they laughed at the one line I like that no one ever laughs at, "All dark and mysterious I hope." That said, the projection was a few frames out of sync, which really drove me nuts. When a screening happens, I'm really more concerned about technical issues than I am about people actually liking the movie. But it was subtle enough so that most people probably didn't notice. I hope, anyway. We didn't win anything, which didn't surprise me, but after it was all over, Kevin was mobbed by the crowd, and I realized I had about a half hour to wait before I'd be able to get in there and say hi.

Now let me say that I am very easily star struck. I'll give you an example. In high school, I had a distance learning American history class where the class and the teacher were on camera and broadcasted onto tvs in other schools. The other school only had two other students, Ed and Carissa, who we could see on tv as well. They didn't say much, and halfway through the semester, we found out that they would usually just turn down the volume of the teacher and just sit and do homework for other classes. But one day, I finally met Carissa in person. And I'll tell you, I was star struck, all nervous and stuttery and everything. Just from seeing Carissa all that time on closed circuit television. Of course, one might attribute my nervousness to my being a teenager and meeting a girl, but I like my explanation better.

Over the years, I've gotten better about this. Like when I was at Sundance, I saw Bob Odenkirk in the lobby of the hotel and I just went up to him, and started talking his ear off, despite the fact that I got a nagging sensation that he didn't really care about what I had to say. But I still get those butterflies, despite the fact that I know they're stupid.

So anyway, as I was waiting to for Kevin, I talked to a few of the guys I had talked to on the view askew message boards who worked for Kevin, and met a woman who told me she was a patent attorney. "Oh yeah?" I said. She responded with a bored nod, clearly expecting one of three questions that she probably always gets asked. "I used to be in a band called The US Patent Office, could we have trademarked it?" She seemed impressed, apparently that wasn't one of the three, and after thinking about it for a bit, she said that we probably couldn't have. Oh well.

I then chatted up Scott Mosier, who I had heard Kevin talk about in interviews as an irreplaceable collaborator on all his films. None of the mob really wanted to talk to him, and he seemed okay with that, but I decided to say hi and we talked about life in LA and driving and stuff. You know, the conversation I had with everyone in LA. But he was nice and wished me the best of luck. I heard he just got engaged, so congrats to him besides.

As the mob dissipated, I made my way on over to Kevin and introduced myself. I forget exactly how it went, but I don't remember being particularly eloquent. I do remember him asking me who's fault it was that the movie was out of sync, mine or theirs. I said it was probably theirs and he apologized. I then went on about a student film I made and how the projection was bad, which I quickly realized was a pretty dull story, so when someone else distracted him a question, I just waved good-bye and got out of there.

That night was about halfway through my stay, and the rest of the week went by in a blur. I moved in with Togo. I even got a trip to the CSI: Miami set and met a few other cast members and saw them practice a scene. Togo seemed very friendly with all of the crew too, although I'm sure it was just for my benefit, and after I left they went back to not being allowed to make eye contact with him and calling him Mr. Togo. I got to meet my editor at ign, who I had only emailed with and talked to on the phone before. Going to the ign offices was a lot like that episode of the Simpsons where Bart goes to the Mad office, and it's just a boring office until Alfred E. Newman comes out and asks for fershluggen pastrami sandwiches, only without the part where Alfred E. Newman comes out and asks for fershluggen pastrami sandwiches. Not that I was expecting much, but damn, couldn't they have a Wii prototype set up for me to play with or something?

I can't think of anything else super exciting that happened so I'll leave you with my trip home. As my readers may know, I'm very paranoid about being late for planes, so I ended up leaving for LAX about four hours before my flight. Leaving me at the gate about three hours before the flight. But it turned out, there was another flight to New York right there, so I just got on that one. Admitted, I didn't actually gain anything by being that early, I just cut my LA trip three hours short, but whatever. It was just good to get back home.

Posted by Will at 4:59 PM | Comments (2)