June 29, 2006
My web film journalism career stumbles forward
I haven't seen the movie yet. That's all I have to say on the matter.
June 24, 2006
Ten ways to tell Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings is Bad
Sure, there are a lot of websites that are going to give you reviews of current movies or ones just coming out on video. There are even a handful of sites that'll review the classics, maybe movies you haven't heard of, or had forgotten about. But how many sites are going to give you reviews of movies that came out a couple years ago that no one really wants to talk about anymore? Just this one. I give you ten ways to tell Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings is bad.
1) Merry and Pippin are annoying.
Seriously, they are. That whole second breakfast thing? They give Jar Jar a run for his money. At least George Lucas had the common sense to give Jar Jar increasingly smaller parts, Merry and Pippin just keep on plugging.
2) Gimli almost as annoying as Merry and Pippin
Guy's got a lot of prat falls and gas jokes and stuff, I'm just sayin.
3) Villains are lame, one dies off screen.
There are two main villains in the trilogy. One is a giant eyeball that doesn't seem to do that much. The other, played by Christopher Lee, starts off by claiming that the good guys don't stand a chance, so he might as well join the bad guys. But never again do we hear anything like that and he turns into a dull, stock villain. Oh yeah, and then he dies off-screen. And don't tell me that there's some dope scene on the extra special collector's edition dvd. I paid to see the movie in the theatre once, if they can't get it together and tell a halfway coherent narrative in the three hours I gave them, I'm not going to dig through cut scene after cut scene trying to figure out what actually happened.
4) Most of the fellowship agrees with each other, except for Boromir who dies
Half of the fun of a movie isn't just the conflict between the good guys and bad guys, but the internal conflicts on each side. The fellowship, and most of the supporting characters pretty much always agree and then stoically go out to do what needs to be done. The biggest exception being Gollum, who, I'll admit, is the most entertaining part of the movies.
5) Gandalf's sacrifice in the first one means nothing when he comes back and all that's different is he has a different outfit
I'm paraphrasing here, but this is how Gandalf's return plays out:
Gandalf, you're back!
We thought you were dead!
Yeah, well, I'm not.
6) I can tell when they use little people to stand in for the hobbits
It's not that hard.
7) Gimli and Legolas' stupid wartime banter
"Hey Legolas, I just killed five orcs!" "Yeah, well I just killed like seven!" These guys are in the middle of a war to save the entire world, and they're barely even paying attention. Not to mention, how threatening is an entire army of orcs if these two dufuses can take out half of them without breaking a sweat?
8) Cate Blanchett's scene where she freaks out when she sees the ring
What does that have to do with anything? It's already established that the ring is addictive. Does she even do anything after that, other than delivering a few spacy monologues?
9) Frodo and Sam are blank slates, and the actors playing them are even blanker
I want to have a soft spot in my heart for Elijah Wood, just because he has a couple lines in Back to the Future 2, and same for Sean Astin, because of Goonies, but as far as actors who could turn these basically personality-free Hobbits into something remotely interesting go, they were not the guys to choose. Elijah spends the trilogy doing his wide-eyed nervous look, and Sean just looks doughy.
10) Speak friend and enter
Seriously? That was your big plan to lock that door? Saying friend out loud in Elvish opens it? Am I supposed to be impressed when they figure that out?
And a bonus:
11) Tom Bombadil
If they're going to make a boring incoherent movie, they might as well have thrown Bombadil in there just for kicks.
June 22, 2006
To further embroil the raging controversy over the representation of Mario and Luigi, I present to you the finishing screen from the arcade version of Bionic Commando:
Recognize that L on the hat?
Sometimes I even bore myself.